Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share