Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.