Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️