If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.