Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.