Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”