Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
When they try to steal your moment.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Put the is in disheveled
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services