My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?