I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
just left a huge legacy in there
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers