Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.