haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them