[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
You Might Also Like
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
The internet is full of many things
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]