TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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That 👊
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Duck typos.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Always 🥴
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.