Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
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Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
#parenting
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it