BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.