HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
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At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Saturday
North and South
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!