[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
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rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.