Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
#dnd #ttrpg
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed