Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
what could possibly go wrong?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
he was correct
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*