Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
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Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant