[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
You Might Also Like
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I beg your pardon?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
technically true but not a great slogan
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.