After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
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Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah