It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
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my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My last name is Zilla.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?