I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Sponch
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?