You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
You Might Also Like
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
#SaturdayBears
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
this makes me so uncomfortable
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”