Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
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[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Called it
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.