Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
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If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Barbie gone wild
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”