Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I know
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.