[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face