[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
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What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Remember folks 😂
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.