date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Don’t we all.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Pickled cat.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.