ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”