Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
This one’s “Alex”.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Hot hot hot 🥵