I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers