You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
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Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Merry Christmas
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets