man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
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I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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