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6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse