Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
You Might Also Like
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[going to bed]
Wife: I donât have to get up so donât wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Never thought Iâd be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Ghost of Christmas Past: âYou were kind of an idiot.â
Ghost of Christmas Present: âYouâre an idiot.â
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: âYouâre-â
Me: âI get it, I get it!â
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
this has done me in for some reason
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered âI thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it nowâ
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
đ
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and letâs go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Gonna start saying âthatâs what they want you to believeâ whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking jobâŚ
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You canât see it with your eyes up there
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Even if itâs not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
For someone who doesnât have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
thank god Hinge doesnât do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones