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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Wait a second…
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him