one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands