Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Good morning, Twitter 😊
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos