Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
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Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT