Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?