saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
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A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.