At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
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“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Bobby pin
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.