Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
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(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.