Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.