You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
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i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.