Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Stop being racist to kettles.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Breaking news:
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones