reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.